She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
