I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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