Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
