I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am available for nakedness
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