i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
