Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
