Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
