Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
