I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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