why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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