he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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