I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
