When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She told me I should be a condom model.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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