I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
