I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
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They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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