the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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