I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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