hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
