She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
