do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
