these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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