Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
