Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
