Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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