Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
