Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
