dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
