Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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