So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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