Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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