if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i don't like sucking hair
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
