I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
