I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
