just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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