I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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