there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
