We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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