Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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