No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dignity is for republicans.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
