so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
