Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
