Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
FUCK WHALES
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
