i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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