she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
