last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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