finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
