all she had left on were here heels. phone five
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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