wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
