I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
