my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
