My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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