My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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