He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
