dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
