I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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