you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
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That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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