i already hear my dad disowning me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
